Astrid the Viking Vampire

A few weeks ago, I said that some of the books we'd be reading would be "transparent self-insert wish-fulfillment fantasies." Well, the first book I set myself up for is one of those.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to Astrid the Viking Vampire by Vianka Van Bokkem.

There are ways you can tell a book is going to be bad without ever having to look at the book itself. For example, look at the author and how prolific they are.

No. Really.

Stephen King is an excellent example to highlight this. You see, he has written a number of books. He's a book-writing machine.

He dedicates between four and six hours per day minimum to writing. And he rarely spit out more than two or three books per year, even at the height of his output.

So, when an author has shit out twenty-four books in four months, that's ... well, it tells you something about the likely quality of that author's output.

That said, please examine Ms. Van Bokkem's bibliography.

Amazon recommended this one to me. See, I've been reading a lot of urban fantasy lately. Jim Butcher. Tom Sniegoski. Seanan McGuire.

You know. The good stuff. I recommend reading any of the three of them. They are excellent authors.

But apparently people who read their works also read this one. Or something.

So I did what I always do when faced with a potential new book for my Kindle: I grabbed the sample.

And the first sentence told me what I was in for:

I was born and raised an eighteen-year-old Viking vampire.

I read that sentence, and I put my Kindle down, and I called Del.

See, Bad E-books wasn't originally going to be a group blog. It was going to be "Del Destroys Books." But I got tired of waiting and offered to help.

Oops.

So I called Del, and I said, "Del, I've got another one for you. And I'll bet you can't even get through the first sentence without cringing."

I was born and raised an eighteen-year-old Viking vampire.

"What? She was born at eighteen?"

"Apparently so, Del."

"She was raised as an ... I ... "

"I know, Del."

"You already dumped that other book on me. This is All You, Eric."

"Damn."

Then I stalled for a couple of months. Pointed out some bad-looking books to Del and Steph. And hoped she'd forgotten what I'd found lurking in the dark corners of Amazon's site.

No such luck.

So I spent the $3, and braced myself.

Let me give you the whole first paragraph:

I was born and raised an eighteen-year-old Viking vampire. I have long blonde hair that I keep braided. My eyes are gray and I am 5'9" tall.

This, by the way, puts the author well ahead of Stephenie Meyer - I know what the protagonist and POV character looks like.

Why don't we continue with the second paragraph?

My leather skirt of choice has always been a short one. A long one gets in the way when I have to run after my favorite meal: human blood. Scandinavia was my home since I was born. I decided to relocate to the kingdom of the Netherlands, outside a small charming town named Rhoon when I was fifteen years old.

At this point, my brain started trying to escape this one. I mean ... more than usual. We're two paragraphs in, and I'm not sure what tense we're in - it appears to be first-person past tense, but ... well ... it's awkward. "Scandanavia was my home since I was born." Really?

Ms. Van Bokkem, if you happen to stumble across this blog entry, I'm sorry. I really am. In person, I'm sure you're a wonderful woman. I'm sure you're sweet and nice and wonderful. And I hope that what I have to say here doesn't hurt your feelings too badly, but the fact is this book is bad. When you sit down in front of a keyboard, you are a menace to everything I hold dear.

I've heard people talk about "drinking game" books - "Read until you laugh. Take a drink and pass the book clockwise. If anyone else laughs, they have to take a drink but you continue reading" - but, before this, I'd never seen one before. I had regarded them as little more than urban myths.

Dear Reader, I'm not going to quote the whole book for you here. It would be unfair to the author - after all it's possible that one or two of you may actually decide to buy the book out of morbid curiosity, based on my ranting.

I am, however, going to give you a couple of highlights:

"We are not vampires," I replied, while making a mental strategy to kill them all. Like a good Viking, I never left home without my sword, axe and shield.

That bit? Leads to an action scene in which eight experienced vampire hunters are completely unprepared for the speed at which Astrid is capable of moving. How unprepared? Astrid throws an axe at one of their hearts. She then grabs her sword and stabs the hearts of six more. Without a struggle, so far as I can tell.

"Why do you sleep in a long double coffin, Astrid?"

"I want to be prepared when I find a tall, handsome vampire."

Because, like most guys, he won't want to go back to his place. It's probably a mess with half-eaten meals staining the sink and bones overflowing the garbage. Or he has a stoner roommate. Or both. I can imagine that the roommate is too stoned to be aware of the fact that this theoretical Viking Boyfriend is a vampire.

Just so you know - even within the sample - Astrid had turned another girl into a vampire. And she takes Nessa into Amsterdam to do some clothes shopping.

I took her to a store that sold her type of clothing.

That's right: Amsterdam is advanced enough to have clothing stores at this point. Not only that, but it has changing rooms.

At about this point, I realized: I don't know what year this is set in. It's possible that it's 2011 and Astrid has been hiding in the forest for hundreds of years. But no-one else in town seems to be noticing her unusual garb. See, it can't be the dark ages, because there is a clothing store in town.

Oh - not only is there a clothing store in town, but it's apparently open all night. Because the sun could turn them to ash ... then she hears an amazing male voice, and sees two guys chatting. And there we have the great sentence, "He looked like him."

He ... he looked like him? HE LOOKED LIKE HIM?

At this point, by the way, I'm 38% of the way through the book.

I've given up hoping it would improve. My thought process went something like this: It's only 417 locations long. That's ... that's not long, right?

Right.

So the handsome stranger? Introduces himself and asks to speak to her outside. Did I mention that he was wearing an iron helmet with ivory horns? Ivory? As elephants are uncommon at best in Europe, I am forced to speculate as to exactly what animal gave up its life for this ivory.

Let me set this scene for you, and we can do a quick multiple-guess:

It's the Dark Ages. You are a lonely author 5'9" hottie, and a 6'4" man just asked you to step outside for some privacy. Once outside, he directs you to a park across the street.

What do you do?

A) Expect a trap filled with vampire hunters and follow
B) Expect to be pillaged and follow
C) A, only you don't follow
D) B, only you don't follow
E) Follow without worrying about being staked or pillaged because the possiblity of nefariousness never occurred to you.

Thankfully, he apparently doesn't have any nefarious intentions, though. See, he knows that Astrid and Nessa are Viking vampires. Amazingly, he is one, too. And so is his cute friend.

How convenient and wonderful!

Oh - and he and his buddy are looking for allies. The British vampires are apparently invading Norway, and the Viking vampires are losing because it's winter and the sun isn't going to rise.

Because, you know, Viking vampires are vulnerable to winter. Apparently. Or so I am led to believe by the author's assertion that the British are winning because it's winter.

Astrid ponders this proposition for several pages of agonizing thought about two seconds and decides that he sounds sincere and must be trustworthy.

They take the boys back to their place. At this point the party consists of ... Astrid, 18; Viktor, 19; Nessa, 16; and Joska, 17. I sure hope Nessa and Joska don't hook up ... they're both underage!

So they meet Viktor and Joska's brother.

"Astrid, Nessa, this is our brother Iver, and the reason why he is not blonde is because he took after our deceased mother, who was a brunette with blue eyes."

So ... yeah. The most important thing about Iver is that his hair is different from his brothers' hair.

They shortly board a knarr (which carries a few karves) (thanks for the historical detail there!).

Oh - and apparently the entire fleet of Viking vampire ships (sixty or so in all) report to Viktor. This strikes me as a bit of a mistake, unless Viktor is the greatest war leader in vampire history. It'd be like making a recent high school graduate an Admiral.

Fifty-two percent. I can get through this book. It won't kill me.

You just need to be smarter than the book. Right?

So, on the voyage, Iver flirts with Astrid.

Oh - and there's another Vampire Hunter Ambush. This time, Astrid doesn't stab six of them. Because the islanders are better prepared than the experienced vampire hunters.

Yes. Really. And Nessa and Joska are captured, along with much of the rest of the crew of the ship.

So they retreat back to the ship to come up with a plan.

A brilliant plan.

One with no chance of failure: Waiting until 2am to attack. Becase the guards will be tired.

Remember waaay back at the beginning of the post when I mentioned that this was a self-insert fantasy?

Viktor and Iver courted me during our long, eventful voyage.

Yep. Two suitors. This reads like the sort of novel the Bear would write (don't ask)¹.

Oh - and the British have cannons. So I guess it's not the dark ages. Well ... maybe. Because there are records of cannon as early as the 13th century ... I'm so confused.

So there's a battle, and then ... Nessa and Joska hook up (off-camera - we're not reading kiddie porn, here). Oh - and it's made clear that Viking vampires are better than British vampires in battle. A lot better. One wonders how the British managed to seize the Viking territory.

Remind me again why the Viking Vampires headed to the Netherlands to find help? Because it was one battle which the Vikings won rather decisively ... of course, they are on the shore. Maybe winter is ending?

My favorite part to this point, by the way, is when the English counterattack and the human Vikings attack them with torches:

A big number of English vampires were running around covered in flames. The ones who tried to get rid of the fire by running towards the water made the fire spread quicker. Somehow saltwater acted as a fire accelerator.

I just read that paragraph to Steph. She's giving me that blank look that is so rare on her face. She's trying to understand what I just read, and it's not working.

I read it to her, and I have no idea what's going on. Maybe vampire flesh is like pure sodium and explodes on contact with water? That wouldn't work, though, as there is a fair amount of water in blood, so they'd explode when they tried to feed.

Actually, I find myself wishing that the vampires were pure sodium. Because vampires exploding when they fed would be awesome. And better than this book.

Oh - and Astrid decides to stick with Viktor rather than going to Iver.

We won the war against the English and Norway is free of them. We can go and do whatever we want to do.

And then Astrid and Viktor hook up and live happily ever after.

Well, until the Australians need some strategy hints in their struggles with the invading Spanish vampires ...


¹ I lie. Much as I dislike the Bear, she writes better than this.